Keep Calm & Marry On

June 26th 2013 was a big day for my family. Our daughter ran away in Safeway and they had to announce her name over the PA, asking her to come to customer service. I don't know if they've met a three year old but that tactic was not going to be successful. Luckily a friend found and returned her to me. The San Francisco Giants also got swept by the Dodgers—that was a hard pill to swallow.

There was also this other little thing that happened. The Supreme Court decided that it was unconstitutional to deny same sex couples the right to marry in California. I think it had a little something to do with separation of Church and State—you know, not allowing one religion to dominate an entire counties set of beliefs—but I've been a “bad” Catholic lately, so I could be wrong.

I have been fortunate to have supportive people in my life, people that continued to love me even after I came out. Some of them have even gone above and beyond and are crusaders and champions for gay rights, people who  aren't even gay themselves, yet see the need to speak up and aren't afraid to do so.

Our phones and emails were fairly quiet all day. No one called to say, "Congrats," or "Wow, what a momentous day!" I got an email from a friend of my little brothers who was so excited he had to email me, the only "married" lesbian he knew. His enthusiasm and genuine appreciation for equality was extremely touching.

I think most people forget or don't fully understand what it's like to be denied a right that seems so basic. Our families threw Alissa and me a fabulous wedding in 2010, and although it wasn't "legal," it was a wedding in every sense of the word. That was their way of saying they believed in our love and our rights.  

I have lost some "friends" over this battle for gay marriage. For the most part it all boils down to religion. They believe that it's wrong for same sex couples to marry, that their religion and morals can't permit it. I am totally okay with that. Why? Because everyone is entitled to religious freedoms.  You may believe in one God and religion, and someone else another. That doesn't mean that your beliefs are more important.

Your religion can choose to not accept gay marriage, but your religion doesn't get to make decisions that legally deny someone the right to marry. Your church has every right to ban gay marriages to take place within their walls, but that doesn't mean it can ban people from marrying elsewhere.

Why couldn't we be okay with saying, "You can have your marriages in your churches, we will have ours in the churches that allow same sex marriage, or on beaches, in homes, City Hall, etc." and be done with it? I will never understand the argument that says marriage is between a man and a woman because my religion tells me so, therefore it's the law. Yes, it may be the "law" in your church, but one can’t be so narcissistic to think their religion has the power to create laws for the rest of us.

Should atheists be denied marriage as well?

I'd like to share the story of my friend Tom Paniccia, an openly gay Air Force sergeant who spoke up in a Senate Committee hearing in 1993 regarding Don't ask Don't tell. He appeared on Good Morning America and fought for equality.  The guy had gumption and wasn't afraid to be who he was.

Tom and I worked together in 2004 on a job with the State of California. There we met Jamie, a Pastor’s son. Tom and Jamie became very close and eventually Tom became the Outreach Coordinator of the church where Jamie’s dad was the Pastor, and in turn, the Pastor became a mentor to Tom. Unfortunately this Pastor told him that he had to live a life of celibacy or be turned away from God.  Tom followed the strict guidelines of the church and tried to be a model member of the congregation, torn between who he was & who the church told him God wanted him to be.

Tom killed himself in 2007.

Our actions and words have power. When we deny someone equality or shame them for being who they are, we send a message that it's okay to treat someone as an "other," as "second class." The suicide statistics in the LGBT community, especially among its youth, are staggering.  Let's try to live with a little more compassion and a lot less judgment. 

Here’s to you Tom, Courtney Puffer, & all those that took their lives or lost them tragically, just for being you. May you rest easier knowing that today we live in a better world. 

Note: If you are gay and have thought about suicide, there's help out there & people just like you. Check out the Trevor Project and It Gets Better.